keeprecording:

Bird’s Nest

You can’t even imagine where I found this, or how I had to be suspend to take this.

Fujifilm Mini 50S, on darker setting.

www.brooklynbrewshop.com

So I’m brewing my first batch of beer! At first, I thought it was going to be a disaster. But after bottling my beer today, I think it just might turn out drinkable! I picked up a Brooklyn Brewshop kit at the BK Smorgasburg. The beer I’m brewing at the moment is called Tea and Toast, to which I’ve added a Harney & Sons’ Paris blend tea and organic lavender honey. In two weeks, I’ll find out if all my efforts (it certainly was A LOT of efforts =P) were successfully thirst-quenching or valuable learning experience for the next brewing venture.

I’ve been focusing a lot on spirituality lately. So far, I’ve been able to keep up with doing Reiki every day. I’ve begun seeking spiritual communities and spiritually nourishing events, not necessarily Reiki-specific. I’ve had some really wonderful experiences…

I had a tarot card reading for the first time that was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had. My character was the Queen of Wands…very intuitive. Intuition is a divine feminine power. She values and finds wealth in the Earth and its gifts. The reader saw I was beginning a new journey (my spiritual journey). He saw “healing arts” (after which I informed him I just learned Reiki, which we both freaked out about, lol). He said the universe is giving me permission to take chances. He said I need to go into the darkness to contemplate, and that I will be helping people and be a light for them. It was almost like a Reiki treatment, like a healing experience. I just felt a lot of good energy able to flow, and was able to receive so much more than I ever expected.

I’ve been to two seances: the first where my Lola said she didn’t like the dental field for me and my Lolo preferred business for me, and the second seance where I got a message from a woman I’ve never even met before from my mom’s side of the family who knew me, and who was very positive and very intuitive, and possibly had psychic abilities. She is kind of like my spirit coach/cheerleader. She was showing the medium gold boxes full of treasure within me, expressing that there is much in me that I have to give, so much more than I could ever imagine. The medium asked if I was having back pain (which I recently have been!), and said he could see gold going down my spine. He mentioned my solar plexus, and said he could see fire in it (this is actually an area I naturally tend to spend more time doing Reiki on). He said this summer, I’ll be exploring a lot, doing workshops and such. At the end, he saw her go into a meditative state.

I learned about Jin Shin Jyutsu, which is basically the baby that Reiki and acupuncture would have if they made love. It’s another form of healing through touch, except that anyone can do it…check it out! That night I got home, I was so energized, even more so after doing Reiki, which usually makes me super relaxed. It even brought some clarity and perspective on Reiki.

Reiki has helped me so much in opening myself up more and becoming more willing to be guided. I think it’s even changed something in me that I didn’t necessarily notice, but that other people have because I’ve had a lot of random interactions with people lately. It’s scary, but I’m trying not to let my fear of being vulnerable stop me from following my intuition.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all these experiences, it’s that the universe wants all of us to succeed and lead a balanced life. We just have to listen, be aware, and be open to its guidance, and nurture our energy, and especially our intuition. Energy is an immense idea. Imagine being made of the same stuff the universe is made of. Imagine functioning just as the universe functions. Most everything I was told, I was already doing intuitively, but half-assedly so. He just re-affirmed that I was on the right path, and it gave me a good kick-in-the-butt of confidence that I needed. It’s weird how I feel like every thought or idea or feeling I had but doubted, even since I was young, about myself and my life is finally re-affirmed. It’s just amazing how you can find themes that you should be focusing on in your life…intuition, meditation/reflection/contemplation, if you open yourself up to the universe and allow it to speak to you, whether through a medium, a spirit guide, or a tarot card reading. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. I think if something catches your attention or if information presents itself to you, you need to figure out why and try to understand how it is relavent to your life. 

http://www.spiritualistchurchnyc.com/

Part of the power of Reiki is being able to break down walls, brick by brick. I felt like I was on a roll, until I spoke with my Reiki master, and was challenged to practice manifesting. Part of me didn’t want to try because I didn’t have much faith in my ability to manifest. Part of me was also afraid of testing the universe. I would frantically think of what to ask for, but I couldn’t think of anything. This last week was especially challenging because I was working nonstop all day, every day, before taking a one-night trip to Maryland. I was feeling frustrated and exhausted. I started to doubt my decision to follow this path I’ve begun. On my way to Maryland, I got an invite from my cousin to go to a seance. I agreed, but felt anxious about my decision. Then Saturday on the way home, my anxiety went up. I think it was a mix of anticipation for the seance, as well as this strong longing for comfort. I couldn’t stop thinking about loved ones I’ve lost, that heaviness and emptiness that longing for them creates. It was as if I had just lost them yesterday.

Finally, I attended the seance at the Spiritualist Church last night. I just felt so cold and heavy the entire time. I felt so spiritually gunked up. But even though I was experiencing crappy feelings, I was reminded that there is a reason for everything, and that there were lessons for me to learn from this. I think I’m beginning to realize my fear, and it’s that I’m scared of being so vulnerable to the universe. Of completely losing my illusion of being in control. It’s hard enough feeling vulnerable with people. But with a power as great as the universe?…it’s paralyzing. I thought I would find some comfort, healing, and/or guidance at the seance, but maybe this is the universe’s way of getting me to let go of the things that I haven’t. Maybe this is God’s way of getting me to really talk with Him, and remind me that I’m never alone. Communicating is a struggle for me, but I know I have to do it. If I can’t be vulnerable enough to the universe to let go and have faith in it, I’ll never grow.

Having Something To GIve

Reiki, in Japanese, means “Universal Life Energy”…the energy inherent to all creation. It is a technique of hands-on healing that balances and realigns energy in the chakras of your body, and activates the healing powers of whomever is receiving Reiki.

The first time I experienced Reiki was about two years ago when I worked at Clara Maass. It was one of the most significant spiritual experiences I’ve had in a long time, like I had woken up for a moment from a very long coma, or tasted water for the first time after a very long journey through the desert, and every other cliche spiritual analogy there is…you get the picture. Anyway, I never forgot it. At that moment, I knew Reiki was something special and important to me, that Reiki resonated with me for a reason, that this moment was the beginning of a bigger plan the universe had for me. But I didn’t know how that would manifest. Then at the beginning of this year, I was suddenly struck with the inspiration to get trained in Reiki. I was finally ready for healing, no matter what it would take. When I made that decision, it was like the universe heard me, and somehow, brought me the perfect person to teach me Reiki, which I learned this past Sunday.

I’m honored to say that I am certified to offer Reiki, and although it seems like something that only took 3 months, I feel like everything I’ve been through has lead up to this moment. After years of being disillusioned and isolated by fear and ego, and of wasting away and wallowing in my brokenness, despair, and depression, I finally appreciate myself, my life, my purpose, and my connection to the rest of the world, and take it seriously enough to find something to offer the world.

There is much work to be done. So much ego to work through and break down. So much forgiveness to ask for and give. Reiki is my spiritual discipline that allows me to continually and mindfully practice faith, humility, and letting go so that I can see the goodness in life again, instead of just the pain, so that I can enjoy life again, instead of dread it, and so that I have the strength and confidence to make every decision with love, not fear.

“When you fully live up to the opportunity to heal, you achieve an energy that pushes you forward in worldly endeavors. Your power is a result of your decision to reveal it.” - Marianne Williamson

“Faith in action is service. The fruit of love is service. Love leads us to say ‘I want to serve.’ And the fruit of service is peace. All of us should work for peace.” - Mother Teresa

This year, I’ve been determined to push through all of my negative, internal blockage that has been weighing me down and keeping me from making positive changes and positive decisions. It’s taken a lot of courage to not be afraid to make mistakes, a lot of acceptance  of my whole self, and a lot of conscious decision making to suffer through being wide awake at terrifying moments in my life, instead of shutting down. The effort, while slow, has been steady, and I feel like I’ve finally gotten far enough up this mountain to truly feel like I have the strength to keep going. It doesn’t get any easier to keep going, but this is the closest I’ve gotten to feeling like I can finally feel better about where I am and who I am, and I don’t want to lose that. I feel like I’m finally waking up, slowly but steadily. And I accept that, and understand it’s going to take a lot of patience, but also a lot of active decision making to be present, to be more open, to let go more, to give more, to change the negative perceptions I’ve held on to and allowed myself to be pulled under by them.

I have a fear of love. I’m afraid to love too much because I know the pain of losing love, and it scares me. Maybe I don’t love right. I know love is supposed to be a good thing, but it’s also a scary thing because it’s something we are dependent on to thrive, to be happy, to live fulfilled lives. When we give love, we give a part of ourselves, with the risk that we might not be whole again. I thought it was best to save what was left, and live with a little less heart, but it’s not. It takes its toll, and at some point, you decide it’s not worth living with half a heart, and not fully feeling joy, even at the risk of fully feeling sadness. You can’t love without losing a bit of yourself. But you can’t get love without giving it, and that finally matters to me. There’s so much love in my life, there always has been, I see it more and more now, and feel like I have more of it to give. I can’t believe I ever felt like I lost it. I’ve been selfish, trying to protect myself from feeling attachments to people, but I’ve only been hurting myself. I also have a fear of time. I constantly worry about how much time passes by, and love made time feel like there was never enough of it. I hated that feeling of no control. But I’ve been broken and humbled again and again, and I think I’m finally learning to soften my stubborn heart and give in to what it really needs and wants. Hopefully I’ll learn what exactly that is as I slowly stop letting fear make every decision for me. 

It’s hard to blog about the things that are on my mind without being afraid of what other people might think. Why now? I never cared before. Being judged sucks. As cliche as it sounds, I feel like a fucking alien all the time. I can’t get negative thoughts out of my head about how different I feel from everyone else, how I don’t get people, how I can’t seem to get on the same wavelength as most other people. But then I feel like giving in and acting like everyone else, and wanting what everyone else wants is copping out on my values. What’s crazy is that I don’t even know concretely what those values are! I just resist everything, and I always have since I was young. When I was young, it was because I didn’t want to get in trouble. Being older, I just don’t want to deal with all the complications and mess that come with being attached to people. I know it makes me sound like an awful human being, but it’s something I can no longer control. It’s a fear I can no longer control, and the negative energy it’s collecting is gunking up my mind and my heart. I just want a simple life. Sometimes I think that can only be achieved through living a solitary life. I know that’s a lie. And I know that’s definitely a cop out. I’m selfish. I’m easily exhausted by the company of people, probably people I’m terrified of disappointing. I have to get better at forgiving and asking for forgiveness. I feel like if I can do this, if I can hop this hurdle, I can do anything. It’ll set me free. That’s what I’m searching for. Freedom. And I don’t feel free here, wherever this is. That’s why I want to do Reiki. But even with Reiki, as enthusiastic and confident as I am in it, I’m scared it won’t be enough for me. That I won’t feel any change at all whatsoever. That I’m just beyond repair.

When I started blogging again, I wanted to be a ray of insight and a light of positivity. I’m not sure if talking like this is a healthy outlet or if it’s just feeding my negativity, but it feels good to just write something either way.

I never really explained the title of my blog. It’s a title that resonated with me. Sometimes, I’m compelled to do things, to create things, to write stuff down, without a clear explanation. I’m used to not needing an explanation for everything, and am content not always knowing “why.” But I want to write. I don’t know what about, but I’ve had a lot of stuff on my mind, and there are things I want to stay focused on, and I miss the discipline and struggle of reaching certain thoughts, ideas, poetry, and feelings with written words. I want to start blogging and sharing again.

For a while, I’ve been distancing myself from Facebook. I was just getting sick of reading the stupid, mundane, every day routines and opinions of everyone. It might sound mean, but that shit doesn’t matter me, so why should I have to subject myself to it? Most of the stuff people share on Facebook has no value whatsoever to me. I hated the idea that this is what our society and interaction has come to. After a while, I just felt like Facebook was this wall I was constantly running into. I wanted to really connect with people, to share my thoughts and things that I value. But I started to miss face-to-face interaction. I’m very socially awkward and anxious in social situations, but as terrifying as they were, they had some satisfying moments. I didn’t want Facebook to be a crutch for me. I didn’t want it to replace face-to-face social interaction. I also just hated how you only see so much of a person. It’s like a giant self-marketing social practice. It just started to feel so fake. After a while, I felt like I couldn’t always be myself, or say what I really thought. I know this sounds kind of extreme, but it’s just what I felt. I just don’t have a lot of energy for insecure attention-seekers.

Which is why I want to blog again…this is my own space, unlike Facebook which feels too crowded and shared, if that makes any sense. Facebook is like the city. It’s overstimulating and exhausting after a while. It’s hard to focus because there are too many distractions. But blogging…it’s like coming back home from the city. It’s my own space. Anyway, back to explaining “a fire in the forest”…

When I was reflecting on the phrase, I saw it as something that could be both good and bad. A fire in the forest can be good when you’re surrounded by darkness. Sometimes it can be a light of hope and a comforting warmth for someone who needs it. Other times, it can be bad. That fire can be destructive. But “good” and “bad” is such the nature of fire. And I think, depending on our circumstance, we are our own forests containing fires that can either be comforting or destructive. I chose “a fire in the forest” because of my connection to nature. I’ve always seen myself more and felt more like myself in nature, and gained more understanding being in nature, than I have from any human being. Nature can’t be argued with. It is what it is, really and truly. It’s uncomplicated, but complex. Beautifully so. I have yet to find someone who is the same. When I walk through the forest, there are times I feel like I become fire…I feel alive. I feel like myself. But then there are other times when I feel nothing. When I find an empty space in my spirituality, and realize I need people, too. I need to connect with people. I can’t live my life sheltering myself between the trees. And I need to break…a part of me needs to go through some sort of destruction to grow. And I see it in the forest…I see trees that are destroyed and fallen, but that doesn’t make the forest any less beautiful. If anything, it makes it more so because it’s real.

There is always the constant struggle to be real, to be me, and not who society wants me to be. I often feel paralyzed by the thought of what others think of me, and of their opinions of me. I feel like the weakest me in the presence of people. It’s hard for me to find people I really feel strong with. And for a time, I wanted to give up. But like I said, I can’t live like that, sheltered like that. And I’m more determined than ever to open my heart and search for the strength to be vulnerable and make the effort to connect, to be myself, to be happy in the realest way possible. 

[Days 248-252, 10.18-22]

I know I took a ton of photos during my ceramics class, but it’s a little harder to do that in the photo lab. I’m having a bit of a challenge, and I know I haven’t been as driven to meet that challenge because I’ve been distracted with work. But I still have a bit over a month left and I really want to push myself, to do well, to learn as much as I can, and get better. I’m just sad I don’t have much time left. 13 weeks is not enough for me.

[Day 247, 10.17]

Halloween kicks off the beginning of my Charlie Brown Holiday dvd collection, eeEEeEeEEeeeeeEee! If you’ve never seen The Great Pumpkin, you’re missing out. I watch it at least a million times the week before Halloween. I love it. This was the day of Halloween. I had a midterm that evening, so I figured I’d enjoy my Halloween morning. It’s the simple, heart-clogging things, I tell ya.