This is the first new beer I’ve had in a while…a lot has happened. (By the way, it’s excellent). And a lot continues to happen. That’s life for ya. I don’t think I’ll be able to catch up with all the days I’ve missed. Not to mention, this “Year of Beer” is expensive! The money it’s taking out of my wallet is kind of taking the joy out of this project, sighh. And not to mention (part II), that I spontaneously took on another project..sewing a cosplay of Sokka, the Fire Nation version, from Avatar: The Last Airbender for Otakon, so that took up a good straight 2 weeks (I’m talking about several all-nighters in a row on top of work because I was teaching myself how to sew while sewing, lol). It was quite thrilling and stressful at the same time! I’m itching to start another sewing project, but I’d really like to take some classes first.
But anyway, today started out really shitty and ended pretty good, and I felt compelled to get my lazy brain to write a bit before I rot in hell the next 3 days at work. Earlier this day was so shitty I cried. For my “Finding Nemo” fans…remember the part where Marlin and Dory are following a pretty bright light, only to find this raging sharp-toothed monster of a fish about to devour them? Yeahhhh…
4 cigarettes later, I was home, still frustrated and still kind of shocked. But I also surprised myself. I could’ve let it go, but I spoke up, and even though I still got screwed, even though I still want to fight, at least I made an effort to stand up for myself. I don’t think I’ve ever done that in my whole life. Really. (Yes, I’m that sheltered).
Later on, my mom, dad, and I went to The Fairway to get some groceries. And then we ate dinner together outside on the deck. And it was pleasant. For a while, it was just my dad and I. We would say a few words. And then it would be quiet. And then a few more words. Then quiet. Yeah…I take after my dad’s social skills I think, lol. Ever since his surgery almost a month ago, I’m always trying to find some small way to help him. It terrifies me sometimes when i think of how vulnerable he is at this time. The other night, he had to go to the ER. Luckily it was just kidney stones. It’s not necessarily that I’m afraid of losing him. I’m more afraid of him being in pain. It scares me more than anything. I’m not a brave person. I’m not as tough as I thought, not by a longshot. I’m incredibly weak, and I was so weak this past month. Tension anchored in my throat from sheer panic of where each day would take us and hoping everything goes right. And still now, in the back of my heart is fear because I still never completely shook off the fear from when he went from having trouble breathing during a game of tennis to cardiac cath to open heart surgery. But I don’t want that fear to make me see him so differently, like this fragile and helpless thing. He’s not a pet…he’s my dad.
Lately, he’s been having trouble sleeping, so I offered this tea that I drink and said I could do Reiki. I wasn’t sure how he’d feel about it, but he was up for it. He even said, “yeah, I believe in that stuff.” Lol. My mom brought out some dessert…french apple pie…and kept pushing it on my dad. “Just a little is fine!” But my dad is so good…he only had a small bite because, even though my mom was convinced it’s healthier than regular apple pie, he damn well knows there’s still butter and sugar in it. Crazy lady. Then we were talking about the Philippines…one of my favorite subjects ;)
During Reiki, I wasn’t sure what would happen. I was kind of scared that it would make him anxious because he gets anxious easily (something I also take after). Well, when I finished, he was asleep! Guess it worked =) I had a hard time focusing because I kept wondering how it would affect him. Luckily with Reiki, energy will flow through you, regardless of your focus. It was the first time I was doing Reiki where the person is lying down. But it’s times like these that are the reason why I wanted to learn Reiki. It was a way of helping that I was drawn to. Since I was young, I always knew that my purpose was to help, but I didn’t know how. I also knew that “healing” was important. Reiki for me is a piece of that puzzle. It’s something I wanted to be able to offer to a person in need of some sort of healing. For my dad to accept it, it really means something different. It makes me feel honored to know Reiki, and gives that knowledge a deeper purpose for me. As much bullshit as I put up with at work, no matter what other people might think of me, I can always remember the time I used Reiki to help my dad as he recovers to remind me of who I am…that I’m not nothing, that I’m worth something, that I am capable and can help and will help if I can, because that’s all I need.